UPS Loved This One!

I got a kettlebell today! A shiny and beautiful Russian Red. It came in a teeny tiny box that weighed a ton. Michael said the UPS woman looked pissed as she wrestled it out of the truck and up the sidewalk. I also got the Enter the Kettlebell book and DVD. I couldn't bring myself to order the "ladies" version, From Russia with Tough Love. I'm sure it's probably fine but I'm highly suspicious of any program that's been modified for the little ladies. If anybody has tried it, please report.

I can't wait to start using this thing! I'm going to have to be patient until I ask my physical therapists exactly what I can and can't pick up and swing through the air. I'll probably say the word kettlebell and they'll be like, "Oh for the love of God! Put it down! Put it down!"

Just you wait though. In a few weeks this ought to provide us hours of entertainment as I get really buff and you hear all the crazy stories about me throwing it through the television or knocking out a dog.

Check out the former bird legs! I am astounded by how quickly the quads are returning. After just a week of squats, lunges and walking, my legs are looking more muscley and they almost match again. I returned my rental crutches yesterday! I was tempted to click my heels and skip on my way out of the drugstore but I contained myself. I had visions of falling and tearing something and having to crawl back into the store to retrieve the crutches.

I see my surgeon on Friday, and since I walk totally normally without any hint of a limp, I'm hoping I can ditch the big metal horrible brace as well. I told Michael that I feel like Forrest Gump with my leg brace and he got a goofy look on his face and in a booming Gump imitation yelled, "MAMA SAID THESE ARE MY MAGIC SHOES AND THEY'LL TAKE ME ANYWHERE." We were walking through the produce aisle of the grocery store at the time. I was laughing so hard I nearly fell down. We don't make a spectacle of ourselves or anything.

I put up a new article by Craig Ballantyne called Politically Incorrect Fat Loss Works. It's amusing. And before you read it, I just want to clarify that when I say "diets don't work," I'm NOT saying that you can eat whatever you want. I'm just saying don't be an obsessive little ninny about it. :-)

Lots of Squats

Guess what! Guess what! Guess what! I have had the best week in the history of physical therapy. :-) I got off of the stationary bike on Wednesday and my PT grabbed my crutches and walked off. He said, "Don't just stand there. Come on." I blinked at him a couple of times and started walking - no crutches, no brace, nothing to hold onto - just me walking all by myself! And he walked me over and put me on the Total Gym. I'd never been on one of these Total Gym thingies, but it allows you to do full squats with less than your total body weight depending on how much incline they give you. The knee felt great, in fact I was knocking out so many squats they had to tilt me up and make it harder.

And today when I went in, I began doing - drum roll - forward lunges, reverse lunges, and side lunges on both legs. There were lots more squats. They had me standing on one foot (the bad one) forever working on my balance. They measured my flexion at 123 degrees, which is awesome considering that last week it was 114, and the week after surgery it was 103. So, I'm getting dramatically more range of motion each time they check it. The physical therapists say I don't need my crutches anymore. According to my surgeon, who hasn't seen me in action yet, I'm supposed to be on them another week. I don't know what the hell to do with them though. If I'm not putting any weight on them and I can already walk faster than I can crutch, I'm pretty much just tripping over the things. I put them in the backseat of my car for now. That's a good place for them.

I just added another free e-book to my little store. Skyrocket Your Fat Loss Success is a cool interview with Tom Venuto the author of Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle. It's a PDF file, and hopefully I uploaded and linked to correctly because I'm leaving for work now! Yes, going to work just like a regular person instead of a reclining pajama-lounger! I'm feeling almost normal. Next thing you know I'll be swinging a sword and punching people. :-)

The Bowling Bag

I have found the most beautifully hideous totally functional duffel hobo ever. My husband is teasing me mercilessly. He says it looks like a bowling bag. I'm completely enthralled with its magnificence. Check out the leather, the hardware and zippers, the side pockets for the iPod and The Precious. And it's HUGE. It will hold my insulated lunch bag, my magazines, my grappling gloves, notebooks, water bottles, workout clothes, and possibly a bowling ball. 

Now, due to its rather large size, I won't be able to start carrying this monster until I totally lose the crutches. Some more incentive to walk! And, hey, if I'm injured and thrown all out of alignment by the sheer size and weight of it, I already know a great orthopedic surgeon and physical therapist!

Did all of you pet owners out there see this story over the weekend - Mass recall of dog and cat food after pets die. Here's a list of the recalled dog food brands. Notice that it includes popular brands like Iams, Eukanuba and Nutro Max. I had a few people e-mail me to warn me about the recall and see what I was feeding the dog kids. Never fear. They only eat all-natural, hellishly expensive, human grade, yuppie dog food made from things like boneless chicken, ocean whitefish, sweet potatoes and blackberries. I saw the recall and now I don't feel like such a sucker for spending top dollar for dog food.

I used Iams for years but I got paranoid about all the wheat and beaks and chemical preservatives in it. Plus, the dogs didn't like it. Princess Ripley would just flat not eat Iams most of the time. I'd put it in front of her and she'd stand around looking at the ceiling. I switched them to Wellness and they went totally completely gaga over it. Sam and Nigel literally inhale it. Ripley dives into it but then sucks on it one kibble at a time like she wants the experience to last forever. I don't think there's a chance in hell I could get them back on Iams or Science Diet. They'd probably look at me like, "What is this crap? Where is our duck and lamb?" You don't think a dog is going to notice if the first ingredient of their food is meat or if it's some kind of meal or ground grain, trust me, they notice. Maybe one day I'll really go off the deep end and switch them to a BARF diet, but for now I can't say enough good things about Wellness. Check it out if you're looking for an alternative to a recalled brand.

I did a lot of walking yesterday. We went grocery shopping and I walked through the whole store. I had my brace on and I carried my crutches but I didn't touch them to the ground much. I'm still supposed to be using the stupid things, but I gotta say, they're mostly for show at this point. And I drove! I drove us to the store and bent my leg and I worked the pedals and I didn't hit anything. It makes me so happy! I feel almost normal. Soon I will return my rented crutches and my handicapped tag will expire. I haven't had any ibuprofen in almost a week because I have no knee pain. It blows my mind that it doesn't hurt, I mean not AT ALL, and there's barely any swelling. I still ice it at night, which is funny because I'll go to bed with one of those blue ice things wrapped in a towel. At some point during the night it will inevitably fall out of the towel and into the sheets. And then around 3:00am I'll roll over on what feels like a frozen fish and nearly jump out of my skin.

Can't Diet Questions

Q: Well, it's official. My counselor told me today that it appears I have a borderline eating disorder. She says I am using food to medicate myself and that I will not be able to diet because the pull of food is too strong. I am really depressed. I know I'm a mess but I cannot be stuck with this last 10 pounds. Just curious what you think. I thought if anybody could understand this you could!

A: Well welcome to my world. :-)

- borderline eating disorder - check

- history of using food to medicate myself - check

- complete inability to diet ever again - check

Listen to your counselor. You'll NEVER lose those last 10 pounds by dieting. Diets don't work. It's a setup for misery and failure. The more rigid and restrictive the diet, the more likely it is to destroy you emotionally and make you rebound binge like a Hoover vacuum.

You need to make the mind-flip that I made a long time ago. Read this carefully like five times - You don't reach your fitness goals by dieting and scale-watching and agonizing over numbers and details to the exclusion of everything else in life. You reach them by eating healthfully, training joyfully, and living passionately.

Without the health and joy and passion, you'll lose the weight and still be miserable. You'll always find some new flaw or shortcoming to tweak over. I never hated myself more or had a lower self-esteem than I did at my leanest (25 pounds lighter than my current weight). Losing weight doesn't solve life/emotional/relationship/coping issues. It doesn't make you any happier or better. People think they'll lose weight and their problems will be solved. Actually, the process works the exact opposite of that. Get your head together first and the great abs will follow.

Start by focusing on mental and physical health - balance and wholeness - rather than dieting just to be doing it. Eat to feel good and be healthy and happy rather than to punish a particular body part. You don't have to give up your goal of looking fabulous and feeling great about yourself, you just have to approach it differently than you have been.

Q: You are so right! What messes me up is obsessing over my six meals, packing a shake to go somewhere, all the jumbo that comes with being toned. Should I ditch all that and just try to eat better? Following BFL does not seem to be my answer. I just have it in my head that the last 10-15 pounds is not going to come off by allowing myself anything. I feel like I have to follow those rigid rules. How do you go from craving Mexican food, cheeseburgers, and Dr. Peppers to learning to like a plate of grilled chicken and a salad? As an emotional eater, it's hard for me to make good choices. I get so depressed when I think about veggies and chicken.

A: You say, should I ditch all of that and just try to eat better? And the answer is:

YES!

The cravings and the healthy eating aren't an either/or thing. I was craving Mexican food today. I had a BumbleBee southwest chicken breast (the kind in a pouch). I heated it in the microwave, wrapped it in a whole wheat tortilla with red leaf lettuce, a sprinkle of grated sharp cheddar, salsa and a little real sour cream, and I ate it with a handful of Tostitos. Is it healthy? It has a chicken breast, vegetables, and a whole grain tortilla. Is it junk? It has cheddar cheese, sour cream and Tostitos. Maybe it doesn't have to be categorized as good or evil. Maybe it's just lunch. You need to quit being such a sucker for following the rules. Cheeseburgers are fine! You could have one every day of the week even if you're eating totally clean. Make it yourself. Make it deluxe. Use fresh ground sirloin and lots of seasoning. Use grass-fed bison or lean ground turkey breast. Have a soft whole grain bun, a little bit of really flavorful cheese, and all the vegetable toppings. Have it with a pile of baked oven fries, a lake of ketchup, and a big Diet Dr. Pepper (or a baby can of real Dr. Pepper). Your emotional eater is happy because you got your cheeseburger and fries. Your abs are happy because you got your lean protein, healthy carbs and veggies.

Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not a choice between a big greasy binge and a sad dry chicken breast. Your meals can be emotionally satisfying and still be good for you. If you allow yourself a few chips or a rich piece of dark chocolate every day as part of your normal meals, the cravings start to lose their hold on you. If the portions are even remotely sane, you still achieve your fitness goals, and it's permanent because you're not on some stupid diet that you'll eventually go off of. Maybe the person living on dry chicken and steamed broccoli will lose weight faster, but the faster somebody loses weight, the faster they gain it all back and then some. You see that with Body for Lifers all the time. The more rigid and fanatical people are about it, the faster they backslide when the challenge is over. As soon as they snap the "after" pictures, they quit, regain the weight, and have to repeat the process over and over again. I've seen people on their 5th, 6th, 7th challenge who are still battling the same pounds.

I did one BFL challenge seven years ago and never did another one. I didn't need to because I grasped the "for life" part of it right away. I realized that effective nutrition programs like Body for Life , Precision Nutrition and Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle share the same basic principles of small frequent meals, lean protein, whole grains, healthy fat, and lots of fruits and vegetables. I understand the concepts, but I don't make myself crazy trying to follow all the rules like a diet ninny with blinders on. I've been successful precisely because I cheat, muddle, wing portions, skip meals, make up my own rules, and have a whole lot of fun with my eating every day. Look at my What I Eat page with all of the lean protein and antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables right alongside cold pizza and Easter candy. I love that! Meanwhile the "perfect" dieters are still yo-yoing up and down, and they're still miserable because they're basing their self-worth on how well they can discipline and starve themselves.

Happy Birthday Indeed!
I just walked! EEEEHeeHeeHee!! I walked! Yesterday, they unlocked my brace and told me that I could put as much weight on my leg as it would tolerate. So, today, still using the crutches for balance, I'd been carefully putting more and more weight on it. Well, just now while feeding the dogs I took a step without putting the crutches down, and then another and another and another, and then I was off like a herd of turtles! Back and forth, back and forth. I am a walking machine! Go Skwiggy! It's your birthday!

The Big Four-O

It's B-Day. As you may recall, my 40th birthday present to myself was going to be a black belt. Instead of a black belt I got bird legs and a handicapped parking tag. I'm trying not to wig about it. My present will just be slightly belated until I can walk and kick ass again. I am well on my way. GUESS what I did for the first time yesterday? Squats!!! I did squats and I rode a bike. I nearly had a tears-of-joy episode after the first set of squats. And when I got on the upright bike, most ACL patients don't have enough knee flexion to go all the way around at first. I guess I was only expected to rock the pedals back and forth, coming up as high as I could without going over the top. I rocked three or four times and over I went. I was pedaling! Physical therapists were cheering. I was grinning like a crazy woman. Cue the Rocky theme song!!

It sounds nuts to say that I'm grateful for a horrible injury, surgery, a month of disability, but in a way, I'm grateful. I was so driven and I'd put myself on such a tight training and work schedule that life was becoming one big blur. I was zombie Skwigg. I couldn't truly enjoy or appreciate anything because I was always late for something else. And there was not a chance in hell I was going to back off. I literally had to break a leg in order to slow down and snap out of my trance.

The first week that I was forcibly rested, I was pretty much freaking the hell out. Still cracking jokes, but freaking, trust me. I was scared and hurt and disappointed. My routine had collapsed. My timetable was blown. My identity was scrambled. Because if I can't workout and hit people and jump around with a sword, who am I? I was forced to re-evaluate. I realized that all of my daily top priorities - going to the gym, going to work, walking dogs, buying groceries, checking e-mail, cleaning house - were stupid. I'd been busy and rushed and blinded by stupid stuff. Do you know what happens if none of those things get done? Nothing. It turns out you can take weeks off work, exercise at home, ignore your e-mail, go to the store whenever, walk the dogs or not, and screw the housecleaning. This realization has been very liberating indeed. All that stuff I did every day isn't who I am. It's just stuff.

Take away the daily clutter and you get a true picture of what's important. The things we take for granted! I'd never been grateful that I could walk. Never gave a lot of thought to 17 years of happy marriage. It hadn't occurred to me to be genuinely grateful for my stupid dogs, who are such a source of joy and unconditional love. My extended family who I hardly see because I'm so busy rushing around. My tiny house overflowing with love and laughter. My health. My financial security. Insurance! Jeez, do you know how much knee surgery is? $12,000 not counting leg braces, physical therapy, office visits, x-rays, and MRIs. All told, this has probably been about a $20,000 mishap. If I didn't have insurance and the ability to take weeks off work, I'd be so screwed. I'm beyond grateful to my surgeon and physical therapists who put me back together. My Sensei who shut down my pity party and taught me to kill someone with my crutches. I have a whole new appreciation for my friends on and offline who made me laugh and listened to me whine. Lately, I am in awe of every little thing. Springtime, birds, flowers, green grass, blue sky, Cadbury Creme Eggs - all fabulous.

I had a pretty big woo-woo fit about this injury when it first happened. I thought it was going to wreck my life and now I realize it's been a tremendous gift. So, uh, happy birthday!

One of Them

I've been doing a lot of online shopping lately. Searching for just the right product, clicking the "buy" button, and watching for the UPS truck is high-quality entertainment for somebody stuck at home all day in their pajamas. I've ordered protein powder, makeup, shoes, purses, guitar parts, office supplies, and little outfits for my Blackberry. From Amazon, I got a book on women's boxing called Without Apology: Girls, Women, and the Desire to Fight, I also bought The Secret (Unabridged, 4-CD Set). So, believe me when I tell you that I get VERY excited when I hear the doorbell.

The only problem is that, by the time I stumble to my feet, grab my crutches, and make it to the door, the UPS man is usually long gone, and he's usually left my presents out in the yard behind a shrubbery or a potted plant. I desperately want to go and get them, but I know I can't possibly make it up the porch steps on crutches with a big box in my hands. Plus, I hear my husband's voice echoing in my head telling me not to do anything stupid while he's at work, you know, like falling off of the porch, blowing out my knee, and landing face first in the thorn bushes. So I wait hours until he comes home and retrieves my goodies for me. Not fun.

Yesterday, I decided that I would be ready. I was dozing on the couch when I heard the truck coming. I sprang into action, grabbed my crutches and hippity-hopped to the front door. I backed up the hounds and put a baby gate in the entryway so they couldn't crowd me at the door.  I leaned my crutches against the wall so that I would have both hands free to accept my miraculous treasures. I peered out the window grinning like an expectant idiot. He jumped out of the truck and ran... up my neighbor's sidewalk. It's ok. He's got something for me, I know it. He runs back to the truck. Oh, look! He's scanning something! He's rummaging around. He's opening the back of the truck! It's big! Here he comes! And he took the huge box across the street, jumped in the truck and drove off. SON of a bitch.

See, I'm becoming one of the dogs. The high-points of my day are - eating breakfast, waiting for the mail man, listening for the UPS truck, and squirrel watching out on the deck.

Speaking of dog hounds, people keep asking me how they're doing now that I'm injured and they don't get their big daily walk anymore. They're doing amazing! So much better than I expected. I really feared dog fights, power struggles and aggression problems but there hasn't been a single incident. I think one reason is that they still get a lot of exercise. They run each other ragged in the back yard, and I'll play fetch with Nigel until he collapses. It's not the same structured exercise as a walk, but it tuckers them all out. Then there's the fact that I'm at home, calm assertive leadering them all day. They have to move aside when I come through on crutches, sit before I put the food bowl down, wait as I open the back door, off when I drop my lunch on the floor, quiet when they woof at the neighbors, stay before I give them a treat, down when they're blocking my view of the television. They're doing so much daily obedience work it's like they're being homeschooled.

So, they're still getting exercise, discipline, affection in the right order. I think that if the injury had happened back when I was a clueless and having outrageous behavior and aggression problems, the whole thing would have collapsed into bloody chaos in a matter of days. I'm extremely grateful to Patricia McConnell for her wildly effective positive training methods, and to Cesar Millan for teaching me to be a calm assertive pack leader instead of a shrieking mess. Although, I may be taking this dog pack thing a little too seriously. WOOF! Here comes the UPS Truck!

Three Pound Question

Q: I have a question for you. I bought the Afterburn program and followed it religiously for three weeks and have gained three pounds. This totally freaked me out. I wanted to lose weight. Now I weigh 170 and want to get to 150-155.  I ditched the program for now and am going back to my tedious point counting weight watcher program and yoga and lots of elliptical and maybe will do this program when I get to my goal. Do you have any clue why I always gain so much weight when I do weight training? This happens to me every time and I am just not willing to take the risk of having the scale go up even though I really want a lean muscular body. This has me totally freaked out.

Tonja 1

Tonja 2

Compare that body to every 170 pound Weight Watcher progress photo you've ever seen. Dieters who don't strength train will jiggle and have fat rolls and look like hell in a bikini no matter what they weigh. Strong, lean women will look completely fabulous at scale weights that would scare the bejeezus out of a Weight Watchers counselor.

As long as you're measuring your success by the scale, your success is going to be severely limited. Use a tape measure, percentage of body fat, a pair of tight jeans, the mirror or photographs. I know that if you've relied on the scale your whole life it's hard to part ways, but I'm telling you - part already! Give the program a chance. You didn't even make it to the 4-week freakout before you freaked. You aren't always going to see big changes in days or weeks. You have to be prepared to do a fitness program consistently for MONTHS to see a huge payoff. Changing your body composition is not like a quick weight loss diet where the scale goes down every week. Totally rebuilding yourself takes time and real effort.

Quadless!

My right quadricep has vanished. No sweep, no teardrop. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My thigh looks like it belongs to one of those models in Shape magazine with no visible muscles. That used to be the leg of my dreams so I'm trying not to freak. And I'm not too terribly mismatched because my left leg has gone all bird-like too. I may as well be in outer space for all the weight-bearing I've been doing lately. I haven't walked in 7 weeks now. Yikes! Well, I'm starting to walk slowly with crutches, but it's still sort of pathetic. Soon I will be able to run and squat and do a bulking cycle. Something to look forward to this spring!

People I haven't seen in ages keep cautiously asking me how much weight I've gained since the injury. Silly people. I always lose weight when I'm sick or injured. Remember bronchitis a couple of years ago? I dropped 9 pounds in 7 days or something crazy. I think there are ectomorph genes at work. If I'm not eating a lot of calories and lifting a lot of heavy stuff, I start getting twiggy. I also realized that I'm not an emotional eater anymore. If I were still using food to entertain and comfort myself, a month at home in front of the television would be a disaster. After a few weeks, I'd become Larry, with a bucket on a rope to reel in takeout. As it is, eating is mostly a nuisance. I can barely carry anything on my crutches, and cooking is pretty limited. I can't stand at the stove for very long, and I've been forbidden to crutch with the butcher knife, boiling water, or glassware. Lately, I crutch-shuffle to the sofa with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my plastic Scooby plate, and then I don't bother to eat again for six hours or so. Not real conducive to muscle-building.  

Since I noticed the quad situation, I've been making an effort to eat more often and keep my protein intake up. Yesterday, I stirred together tuna, apple, raisins and light mayo - the meal that most weirds out my husband. I've also become a big fan of these BumbleBee chicken breasts. They're fully cooked and come in a pouch like tuna. I can easily microwave them and stick them in a multi-grain wrap. I like the southwest one with lettuce, salsa, sharp cheddar, and a little sour cream. I eat the garlic and herb one with lettuce, swiss, and dijon mustard.

Oh, and I did a little crutch dance of joy at the grocery store today when I saw Chuck Liddell on the cover of Men's Fitness. Cool, eh?

God, I just had an idea. If I had a bucket on a rope, I could drag my food out of the kitchen instead of trying to carry it on crutches. Of course, the dogs would eat everything out of the bucket on my way to the living room. Maybe if my bucket had a lid...

Tipsy

I tipped over the recliner this morning. I sat on the edge of the seat to take my brace off and realized it would be easier with the foot rest up. I reached back and hit the lever, the foot rest sprang out, and with all the weight on the front of the chair, the whole thing flipped forward and hit the ground. I shrieked. From the basement, my husband yelled, "Are you alright?" Ripley, my supervisor/nursemaid/self-appointed bodyguard came running. I don't know what was going on in her little speckled squirrel mind, probably something along the lines of, "I'LL SAVE YOU, MAMA!" She made a flying leap into my lap. The weight and momentum of the airborne dog flipped the chair upright and it hit the ground with a huge thud. From the basement, my husband yelled, "What the hell was that?" and came running. Of course I couldn't answer him because I was having fits of silent stage laughter and there was a huge stupid dog standing in my lap licking my face like a maniac. Crazy Ripley. It's weird how closely she watches me now. It's like her new job. Every time I wince or gasp she comes running, and she really gets worked up if I tip over the recliner.

Do you know what my morning ritual is now? I get up, do my knee exercises, make breakfast, feed the dogs, take a shower, and all of that takes so long and so totally exhausts me that I then fall asleep in my recliner for two hours in front of Home & Garden Television. EVERY freaking day this happens. My brain cells are disintegrating right along with my leg muscles. I've become totally hooked on Real Housewives of Orange County. I stare glassy-eyed at Trading Spaces, Moving Up, and Flip That House. I yell out answers to 1 vs. 100 and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I'm totally turning into a nutty shut-in.

Did anybody else see I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day on TLC? There's this guy, Larry, who weighs over 700 pounds and hasn't left his apartment in ten years. If friends and relatives don't feed Larry enough, he calls for takeout on his cell phone. Larry can't get up and walk to the door, so he lowers a bucket on a rope out his apartment window. The delivery guy takes the money out of the bucket, puts the fast food in, and Larry reels his late night snack back up to his apartment. How crazy is that? And there was this other bedridden guy who was spending something like $28 a day on candy bars alone. And women who were eating enough food to gain three pounds a day, every day. They all assumed they were only eating 2,000-3,000 calories a day, but when you add everything up it was ten, twenty, thirty thousand calories a day. The whole thing freaked me the hell out, and made me kind of hungry for fried chicken.

Hey! Liz is back! For those of you who loved Granny Vibe, Liz has another blog called As the Tumor Turns. Yesterday, I turned off the television long enough to read every single entry starting from last November. I also fiddled around in my store and added some free e-books for your downloading pleasure. They're both by John Berardi. One Is PN Strategies for Success, which is a 43 page overview of Precision Nutrition, and one is Gourmet Nutrition Desserts, which is another 40 or so pages of healthy high-protein desserts. It's an add-on to Gourmet Nutrition, which is where I originally found such wonderments as S'mores Bars and Chicago Deep Dish Pizza. Bet you didn't know you could eat that stuff and still have abs! JB also posted a good Q&A in his blog about nutrient timing. I used to get a lot of questions about his recommendation to only eat starchy carbs post-workout. I personally eat starchy carbs whenever I feel like it on PN and still have great results. Finally, he explains the phenomenon.